The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed