Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
