did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
