So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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