So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want nice things and good sex
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
