My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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