70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
