I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
