guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
