So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
