How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
