You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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