yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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