hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
