You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
