So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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