You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.