I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
