We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
