I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.