'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
