im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize