so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
