Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
