I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize