after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
