I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
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Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.