I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well