Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
