ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
