he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's never too late to be topless.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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