somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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