somebody snuck up and got me drunk
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
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Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity