just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.