She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
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I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
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Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.