I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
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