in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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