I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.