She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We are all done wearing pants today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.