are you still at the devil's house?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My vagina is officially offended.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.