he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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