he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
