woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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