there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
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I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize