My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
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winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.