sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
