I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
