I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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