I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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