In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time