His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?