Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?