"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
sex in a hospital.. check
He? As in you personified your dick?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.