So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
