He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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