I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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